A Look Within

I’ve decided to open up a little bit, for you guys. Sure, I won’t spew everything (I choose to be an anon blogger/tweeter for a reason), but I want you all to be able to see where I’m coming from a bit, to possibly have me a bit more relate-able. I’m not a perfect saint. I wouldn’t want to be. That’s boring. I am far from boring. I’ve made my fair of mistakes, some of which, I vowed never to retell, because of its effects on those that I care about. I’m not lovely, but I’m real. And I want to share the fact that I’m real with the world, and not this auto-bot of society, in a sense.

Personally, I have perfectionism issues, so this will be a struggle. This site, this post, every day. I am aware that I’m hypocritical at points, and I hate that fact, and I hate the fact that I hate the fact. It kind of makes sense. But really it doesn’t- I know. Personally as well, I suffer from my own form of anxiety from said perfectionism. Which blows. More than anyone would ever understand. I also struggle with being happy-either obtaining it, or being able to stay happy. Most of it, loops in with my depression/anxiety issue, along with my perfectionism. And I struggle with that every day. People say it’s a constant choice to be happy, but for whatever reason, I seem to be weak, in that sense.

On the other hand, my strengths are being a housewife, being hella supportive, and being able to work hard. I’m not great at any particular thing, since I have this nice tendency to be able to screw things up. I have a very hard time grasping what all I’m good at, let alone being okay with the fact that I’m only good for so little, which was basically what I talked about a minute ago. I have a lot of little strengths I guess you can say, through the little things that are taken into account, for what a housewife does, and taking the time out to encourage others, and working hard for anything that I want. It seems like few people work hard for the things they want anymore. They want it handed to them which is sad. That I would hope is a good attribute within myself. I’m independent-for the most part. Some things I have to rely on others for, and that’s the catch with everything for me. I’m not up to my standards. Sure there’s things that I don’t care to know how to do, and I don’t mind getting someone else to do it or help me with it, but there are definitely other things that I feel I should be able to do, that I can’t-mental block, being held back with the fact that I’m a woman, or too young, or whatever else.

I try to stay positive for those around me, and so that those around me don’t have to suffer from what I do, or at least not nearly as bad. I don’t want anyone to have the same issue as myself, and I want people to know that they can always approach me, if they need to talk, because at one point, I didn’t have that option, and it’s horrible feeling alone.


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